Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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