Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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