It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
