it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
