Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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