Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
