i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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