i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
