well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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