**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
