Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
