im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I pour the whiskey from now on
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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