He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
