It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
