guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
