I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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