Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
