I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
