my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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