My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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