sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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