life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize