I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
