Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
