I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
