he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
