We're like a lot better than the average bears
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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