i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
