So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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