What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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