in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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