Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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