My liver just broke up with me...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
