dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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