I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My penis needs a shock collar
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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