oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
