If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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