im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
