upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
