I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
