The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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