i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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