Is it because I queefed?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
