2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
