awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
