My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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