Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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