he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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