you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
