I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
