I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he fucked my hip out of place.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
