Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
