We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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