college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
