ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
