think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
